Welcome to my blog. I change names to protect the uninformed. It's just not nice to talk about people with their real names when they don't know about it.

I write freely whatever I am thinking about on here. As such, it may be triggering for those with issues similar to my own. So please read with caution.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Having a a hard time

I'm having a hard time right now for some reason. I know part of it is that I had to leave my mom down in Atlanta to help take care of my aunt. She nearly died from a complication in a routine surgery. My mom helps to keep me accountable even when she doesn't know it.

Typing this I've started to wonder and realize if this isn't about the promotion that I didn't get. It was really disappointing, and I haven't really been able to tell anyone about it. My mom is really stressed right now with taking care of my energy-sapping aunt and their mom (who is also there), so I didn't want to burden her with it. And by the time I go get her this weekend, it's going to be rather after the fact, and I just don't know that I will.

There were only a limited number of the promotions available, and I understand there were more of us who deserved it than were going to happen. It just also feels really unfair and disappointing than I didn't. Then my boss says we should work on my development plan, and I should come up with things I can do to help this along. Well, I don't have a friggin clue what that would be.

I'm good at my job. Hell, I'm great at my job. All of the project managers love to work with me. They tell each other they are lucky when they get me in charge of their projects. You'd think that'd translate to something. But nope, apparently not.

I've been coping so far, but it's getting hard. And I've come very close a few times to coping in ways that I don't want to. I know they aren't healthy. I know they aren't what God wants for me.

And then I was hit tonight with a Criminal Minds that was triggering. I take care when deciding to watch L&O: SVU. I only will watch it during the day, and some I won't watch at all. I really don't expect it out of Criminal Minds. But this one was hard. I've done EMDR for my trauma, and it was very helpful. It was just hard watching her remember, and be reminded of my when my own memories came back and how much it sucked.

I just thought maybe writing things out would help. We shall see if it does. I need to take an Ambien and get some sleep. One of my copings this evening was McDonald's for dinner and a caffeinated Diet Coke with it, later than I should have been having the caffeine. I am glad I will have mom back soon, then at least there will be definite accountability for my eating.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Cades Cove Part 1

So I decided to break my visit to Cades Cove on Sunday up into multiple posts.  Since it took me a few hours to fix up just two of the photos, I realized if I waited until I had them all ready then it would be next Sunday before I posted any.

One of the fun things about the drive to and in Cades Cove was that the butterflies were out in force.  I saw a bunch of Swallowtail butterflies while driving.  Unfortunately while stopped with my camera, there never seemed to be any around.  So the first two pictures were actually when I stopped after a black bear had run across the road in front of me.  I was hoping he would still be sight-able in the woods, but, all I saw were some deer.  And the photos of them did not turn out well enough to do anything with.

However on the way back to the car, I saw these flowers.

I then took a second picture of part of the same bunch of flowers from a different angle.  When I looked at it on the view finder, I didn't really think it turned out.  But I usually don't delete anything until I get onto the computer and look at it full size.  When I zoomed in one this one, I was quite pleased with what I found.

I truly was surprised when I viewed the photo at 100% and saw the butterfly.  I was hoping to get a nice crop with just one flower, but was more than pleased with the final view I found.

Well there will be more to come...up next some nice deer photos...

You know I accidentally have posted this on the private blog, but I don't really regret it as I made the commitment on this blog to go to Cades Cove.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Hoping to have a better weekend

I am trying to decide what I can do to have a better weekend than last weekend.  I know one answer is get out of the house.  But I haven't decided what I want or can afford to do.

So I was doing a lot better until last night when I ended up in this discussion with my mom.  We were watching TV, and I asked her if it seemed to her that what Dad found amusing lately was more offensive than it amusing.  He really likes to watch TruTV these days, and he comes out and tells about the things he watches that he thinks are funny.  But alot of them are just mean or sexist or even just not funny.  She said she did notice that.  I then said (greatly regretting it later) that I just wanted to check since I knew I it might be that I just be a bit touchy.  She said well yes, and she guessed that she'd give herself permission to say that I been too touchy and I should work on that.  ((Disclamer that everything is paraphrase since I don't remember exact wording)).  I got really upset and started to try and shut down, almost starting to say something and then decided not to.  She insisted I tell her what I was going to say.  I said How do you expect me to do that when we can't afford anything.  I meant like that we can't afford counseling right now, plus I don't even know if I could find one near us.  But I don't think she understood what I meant, and she retorted with Do you want us to move out.  I said no.

And I think we need a side note here of No, I really don't want them to move out.  They don't have any good options.  I am it.  Yes, they could technically probably move in with my grandparents.  But I found it miserable enough when they spent a month.  The dynamics they end up having my grandparents drive me nuts even from over 400 miles away.  Even with the stretch it puts on the money and that they (particularly Dad) sometimes drive me nuts, I don't want them homeless and I'd honestly rather have them here than anywhere else.

It's settled.  I've said it a ton of times.  I want you here.  Yet still if I get too upset about whatever (money, Dad, Mom), she asks if I want them to move out.  NO!!! I DON"T!!!  And please stop asking!!!!  But yet where am I saying this....on a blog that I will probably never let read.  That she would feel offended and betrayed if she knew I even had this blog that I haven't told her about.  And I am even typing it when she is out of the house to have test done (we worked out the thing to get the test done that she needed).  Because if I had typed this that night, like I wanted to, then she would want to know what I was typing.  Yes, she is that nosy.  I can't even type more than a sentence or so (you know the usual length of a FB reply post) without her asking what I am doing.  And yes I can avoid answering so that she gets that I don't want to tell her, but then still gets all offended and betrayed feeling.

 So anyway, after that, and I'm crying that she's all I'm sorry I said anything.  I said whatever, it's just what is, or something like that.  Anyway we just went back to watch the SYTYCD finale, and while we were okay that Lauren won (she is great), we had voted for Kent.

So I think I'll make a commitment to at somepoint this weekend to go out to Cades Cove to take pictures.  I've been wanting to go out there.  And it's been over a month since I posted anything on my public and known Adventures in the Smokies blog.  I'm not going to post a link becuase I don't want people to follow both and have people I know somehow accidentally find this blog.  Crap, they're home, gotta post.   Nice to have an advanced excite dog warning though.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

It's better and Frustation and Insurance

The last couple of days have been better.  I have been testier than usual at least partially due to the rough weekend and the poor sleep that involved.  But that is easing, and with the exception of short patience with supposed co-worker who we shall call Seuss, it was a good day.

Seuss is an older man who is a retired teacher working part time at my company.  I have to give him step by step on how to do everything.  Then I end up checking most everything he does, since he has often made mistakes with it.  My biggest problem is his slow to minimal ability to pick up computer software things.  I know it is partially that I have always picked up programs quickly and with no or almost no instruction.  It just baffles me when he can't figure out what to click on.

My biggest point of concern/annoyance at the moment is that we can't afford for my mom to get the tests she needs.  We added her to my insurance this year as she is now my dependent.  But my insurance for "high-cost" tests which includes the cardiac test she needs has a $75 co-pay plus 20% of the cost of the test.  I mean what is the point of paying for insurance when you can't afford the co-pays.  In a little over two months non of this will be a problem as Dad will start getting Social Security.  But right now, two months seems a really long way away.  But you know, we've gone years, even decades, of our lives with no insurance, we can make it another two months.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Being thankful for today

Last night I can the closest I've ever come to a panic attack.  I went to bed after a mostly unpleasant day of intrusive memories.  My chest got tight.  I just was scared and say and yet couldn't pin it on anything.  I tried for an hour to go to sleep but then evantually got up and took an Ambien.  It still took about 20 minutes but I finally got to sleep then.

Due to the Ambien I slept late and didn't wake up in time to make it to church. But I watched the live feed of what was left of the service.  I was barely awake and don't really remember what the sermon was.

I am trying to remember that my emotions are a choice.  And today is better than yesterday, so that is something to be thankful for.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Trolling the blogs

So I've spent all evening trolling for blogs.  I guess I mostly looking for supporting things to read.  To be totally honest I was also just escaping.  If I read other people's stories, horrors or happy ones, I can at least to some degree focus on their stuff and not my own.  I found a few blogs to follow.

One thing I found either encouraging or depressing and I am truly not even sure which was how many of the women seem to married with a kid.  It's encouraging on the side of knowing it's possible at least for someone even when they went through similar shit to my own.  It's depressing on the side of why not me.  At this point, I am truly not even sure that I want it anymore, a husband that is.  I do still want a kid, but since I can't afford adoption or insemination then well that's just too damned bad, isn't it.

I mean I've dated a total of 4 guys in my life, and all but one of those was a single date and then it was over.  I know I pushed men away subconsciously before I remembered the rapes.  Heck maybe I still I do now.  I don't know.  While I want the relationship, I am also still deathly afraid of it.  I also just don't think I want the trouble.  My dad is trouble enough and frustration enough.  And I can't really talk to mom about this since she already feels guilty and feeling like it's her fault.

All the recent crap has really made me realize how much I need counseling again/still.  But my income is just barely covering the needs, there is just not room for anything extra right now.  Plus  I've moved to the boonies.  I love it here.  I love the shows.  I love the mountains.  But it's been hard enough to find a regular doctor, I wonder if I even could find a good therapist even if I could afford it.  So I'm secret blogging, and hey at least I'm getting my feeling out, right?  Instead of mostly just stomping on them or trying to pretend they aren't there.

Trying the whole secret blog thing

So I need an outlet, and I thought I'd try the whole secret blog thing.

A little background on me.  I'm 35 and single.  I live in east TN near the Smoky Mountain National Park and Dollywood.

I was raped when 11-12, actually he raped me 3 times.  I say 11-12 because I am not sure of the exact age.  I blocked it out for ~15 years.  When it happened, I knew my mom couldn't deal with it so I didn't tell her.  And eventually I just didn't even tell myself it happened.

My parents live with me.  They live with me, not the other way around.  An important distinction, to me at least anyway.  They moved in with me about 4 years ago.  For awhile they worked, but the recession hit any they lost their jobs.  For awhile they looked for jobs.  But it didn't work and actually at this point I'm don't think either of them are capable of holding down a job.  Mom has physical issues: back pain, hand pain, hip pain, knee pain.... I could keep going but those are the major things.  Dad has physical stuff too but he doesn't talk about it.  His main problem is mental.  He just is going downhill fast.  We can't get a diagnosis because he won't go to the doctor.

So enough background, although in someways what I feel I just really must write about is still just history.  After the memories of the rape started coming back, I was diagnosed with PTSD.  So I totally know what flashbacks are and they suck way worse than just the intrusive memories that are a problem today.  I just can't get it out of my head today.  It's been quite awhile since it's been a problem like this.

Okay well this is a depressing blog post at this point and who wants that.  Not me, I much prefer fun.  I just can't think of anything fun to write at this point though.  Oh well, this too shall pass.