Welcome to my blog. I change names to protect the uninformed. It's just not nice to talk about people with their real names when they don't know about it.

I write freely whatever I am thinking about on here. As such, it may be triggering for those with issues similar to my own. So please read with caution.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Hoping to have a better weekend

I am trying to decide what I can do to have a better weekend than last weekend.  I know one answer is get out of the house.  But I haven't decided what I want or can afford to do.

So I was doing a lot better until last night when I ended up in this discussion with my mom.  We were watching TV, and I asked her if it seemed to her that what Dad found amusing lately was more offensive than it amusing.  He really likes to watch TruTV these days, and he comes out and tells about the things he watches that he thinks are funny.  But alot of them are just mean or sexist or even just not funny.  She said she did notice that.  I then said (greatly regretting it later) that I just wanted to check since I knew I it might be that I just be a bit touchy.  She said well yes, and she guessed that she'd give herself permission to say that I been too touchy and I should work on that.  ((Disclamer that everything is paraphrase since I don't remember exact wording)).  I got really upset and started to try and shut down, almost starting to say something and then decided not to.  She insisted I tell her what I was going to say.  I said How do you expect me to do that when we can't afford anything.  I meant like that we can't afford counseling right now, plus I don't even know if I could find one near us.  But I don't think she understood what I meant, and she retorted with Do you want us to move out.  I said no.

And I think we need a side note here of No, I really don't want them to move out.  They don't have any good options.  I am it.  Yes, they could technically probably move in with my grandparents.  But I found it miserable enough when they spent a month.  The dynamics they end up having my grandparents drive me nuts even from over 400 miles away.  Even with the stretch it puts on the money and that they (particularly Dad) sometimes drive me nuts, I don't want them homeless and I'd honestly rather have them here than anywhere else.

It's settled.  I've said it a ton of times.  I want you here.  Yet still if I get too upset about whatever (money, Dad, Mom), she asks if I want them to move out.  NO!!! I DON"T!!!  And please stop asking!!!!  But yet where am I saying this....on a blog that I will probably never let read.  That she would feel offended and betrayed if she knew I even had this blog that I haven't told her about.  And I am even typing it when she is out of the house to have test done (we worked out the thing to get the test done that she needed).  Because if I had typed this that night, like I wanted to, then she would want to know what I was typing.  Yes, she is that nosy.  I can't even type more than a sentence or so (you know the usual length of a FB reply post) without her asking what I am doing.  And yes I can avoid answering so that she gets that I don't want to tell her, but then still gets all offended and betrayed feeling.

 So anyway, after that, and I'm crying that she's all I'm sorry I said anything.  I said whatever, it's just what is, or something like that.  Anyway we just went back to watch the SYTYCD finale, and while we were okay that Lauren won (she is great), we had voted for Kent.

So I think I'll make a commitment to at somepoint this weekend to go out to Cades Cove to take pictures.  I've been wanting to go out there.  And it's been over a month since I posted anything on my public and known Adventures in the Smokies blog.  I'm not going to post a link becuase I don't want people to follow both and have people I know somehow accidentally find this blog.  Crap, they're home, gotta post.   Nice to have an advanced excite dog warning though.


  1. hi dacsii mii, thanks for signing on to follow my blog. i'm glad you are writing. having a place where you can go to share your real thoughts, that is your own space where you can say whatever you want, can be very healing. i think it's great you are giving yourself this outlet.

    it sounds like a tough situation you're in with your family. boundaries with family is one of the hardest things i think.

    wishing you all the best in your continued healing~~~