Welcome to my blog. I change names to protect the uninformed. It's just not nice to talk about people with their real names when they don't know about it.

I write freely whatever I am thinking about on here. As such, it may be triggering for those with issues similar to my own. So please read with caution.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Having a a hard time

I'm having a hard time right now for some reason. I know part of it is that I had to leave my mom down in Atlanta to help take care of my aunt. She nearly died from a complication in a routine surgery. My mom helps to keep me accountable even when she doesn't know it.

Typing this I've started to wonder and realize if this isn't about the promotion that I didn't get. It was really disappointing, and I haven't really been able to tell anyone about it. My mom is really stressed right now with taking care of my energy-sapping aunt and their mom (who is also there), so I didn't want to burden her with it. And by the time I go get her this weekend, it's going to be rather after the fact, and I just don't know that I will.

There were only a limited number of the promotions available, and I understand there were more of us who deserved it than were going to happen. It just also feels really unfair and disappointing than I didn't. Then my boss says we should work on my development plan, and I should come up with things I can do to help this along. Well, I don't have a friggin clue what that would be.

I'm good at my job. Hell, I'm great at my job. All of the project managers love to work with me. They tell each other they are lucky when they get me in charge of their projects. You'd think that'd translate to something. But nope, apparently not.

I've been coping so far, but it's getting hard. And I've come very close a few times to coping in ways that I don't want to. I know they aren't healthy. I know they aren't what God wants for me.

And then I was hit tonight with a Criminal Minds that was triggering. I take care when deciding to watch L&O: SVU. I only will watch it during the day, and some I won't watch at all. I really don't expect it out of Criminal Minds. But this one was hard. I've done EMDR for my trauma, and it was very helpful. It was just hard watching her remember, and be reminded of my when my own memories came back and how much it sucked.

I just thought maybe writing things out would help. We shall see if it does. I need to take an Ambien and get some sleep. One of my copings this evening was McDonald's for dinner and a caffeinated Diet Coke with it, later than I should have been having the caffeine. I am glad I will have mom back soon, then at least there will be definite accountability for my eating.