So I've spent all evening trolling for blogs. I guess I mostly looking for supporting things to read. To be totally honest I was also just escaping. If I read other people's stories, horrors or happy ones, I can at least to some degree focus on their stuff and not my own. I found a few blogs to follow.
One thing I found either encouraging or depressing and I am truly not even sure which was how many of the women seem to married with a kid. It's encouraging on the side of knowing it's possible at least for someone even when they went through similar shit to my own. It's depressing on the side of why not me. At this point, I am truly not even sure that I want it anymore, a husband that is. I do still want a kid, but since I can't afford adoption or insemination then well that's just too damned bad, isn't it.
I mean I've dated a total of 4 guys in my life, and all but one of those was a single date and then it was over. I know I pushed men away subconsciously before I remembered the rapes. Heck maybe I still I do now. I don't know. While I want the relationship, I am also still deathly afraid of it. I also just don't think I want the trouble. My dad is trouble enough and frustration enough. And I can't really talk to mom about this since she already feels guilty and feeling like it's her fault.
All the recent crap has really made me realize how much I need counseling again/still. But my income is just barely covering the needs, there is just not room for anything extra right now. Plus I've moved to the boonies. I love it here. I love the shows. I love the mountains. But it's been hard enough to find a regular doctor, I wonder if I even could find a good therapist even if I could afford it. So I'm secret blogging, and hey at least I'm getting my feeling out, right? Instead of mostly just stomping on them or trying to pretend they aren't there.