Hoping to have a better weekend

I am trying to decide what I can do to have a better weekend than last weekend.  I know one answer is get out of the house.  But I haven't decided what I want or can afford to do.

So I was doing a lot better until last night when I ended up in this discussion with my mom.  We were watching TV, and I asked her if it seemed to her that what Dad found amusing lately was more offensive than it amusing.  He really likes to watch TruTV these days, and he comes out and tells about the things he watches that he thinks are funny.  But alot of them are just mean or sexist or even just not funny.  She said she did notice that.  I then said (greatly regretting it later) that I just wanted to check since I knew I it might be that I just be a bit touchy.  She said well yes, and she guessed that she'd give herself permission to say that I been too touchy and I should work on that.  ((Disclamer that everything is paraphrase since I don't remember exact wording)).  I got really upset and started to try and shut down, almost starting to say something and then decided not to.  She insisted I tell her what I was going to say.  I said How do you expect me to do that when we can't afford anything.  I meant like that we can't afford counseling right now, plus I don't even know if I could find one near us.  But I don't think she understood what I meant, and she retorted with Do you want us to move out.  I said no.

And I think we need a side note here of No, I really don't want them to move out.  They don't have any good options.  I am it.  Yes, they could technically probably move in with my grandparents.  But I found it miserable enough when they spent a month.  The dynamics they end up having my grandparents drive me nuts even from over 400 miles away.  Even with the stretch it puts on the money and that they (particularly Dad) sometimes drive me nuts, I don't want them homeless and I'd honestly rather have them here than anywhere else.

It's settled.  I've said it a ton of times.  I want you here.  Yet still if I get too upset about whatever (money, Dad, Mom), she asks if I want them to move out.  NO!!! I DON"T!!!  And please stop asking!!!!  But yet where am I saying this....on a blog that I will probably never let read.  That she would feel offended and betrayed if she knew I even had this blog that I haven't told her about.  And I am even typing it when she is out of the house to have test done (we worked out the thing to get the test done that she needed).  Because if I had typed this that night, like I wanted to, then she would want to know what I was typing.  Yes, she is that nosy.  I can't even type more than a sentence or so (you know the usual length of a FB reply post) without her asking what I am doing.  And yes I can avoid answering so that she gets that I don't want to tell her, but then still gets all offended and betrayed feeling.

 So anyway, after that, and I'm crying that she's all I'm sorry I said anything.  I said whatever, it's just what is, or something like that.  Anyway we just went back to watch the SYTYCD finale, and while we were okay that Lauren won (she is great), we had voted for Kent.

So I think I'll make a commitment to at somepoint this weekend to go out to Cades Cove to take pictures.  I've been wanting to go out there.  And it's been over a month since I posted anything on my public and known Adventures in the Smokies blog.  I'm not going to post a link becuase I don't want people to follow both and have people I know somehow accidentally find this blog.  Crap, they're home, gotta post.   Nice to have an advanced excite dog warning though.

Trying the whole secret blog thing

So I need an outlet, and I thought I'd try the whole secret blog thing.

A little background on me.  I'm 35 and single.  I live in east TN near the Smoky Mountain National Park and Dollywood.

I was raped when 11-12, actually he raped me 3 times.  I say 11-12 because I am not sure of the exact age.  I blocked it out for ~15 years.  When it happened, I knew my mom couldn't deal with it so I didn't tell her.  And eventually I just didn't even tell myself it happened.

My parents live with me.  They live with me, not the other way around.  An important distinction, to me at least anyway.  They moved in with me about 4 years ago.  For awhile they worked, but the recession hit any they lost their jobs.  For awhile they looked for jobs.  But it didn't work and actually at this point I'm don't think either of them are capable of holding down a job.  Mom has physical issues: back pain, hand pain, hip pain, knee pain.... I could keep going but those are the major things.  Dad has physical stuff too but he doesn't talk about it.  His main problem is mental.  He just is going downhill fast.  We can't get a diagnosis because he won't go to the doctor.

So enough background, although in someways what I feel I just really must write about is still just history.  After the memories of the rape started coming back, I was diagnosed with PTSD.  So I totally know what flashbacks are and they suck way worse than just the intrusive memories that are a problem today.  I just can't get it out of my head today.  It's been quite awhile since it's been a problem like this.

Okay well this is a depressing blog post at this point and who wants that.  Not me, I much prefer fun.  I just can't think of anything fun to write at this point though.  Oh well, this too shall pass.